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This was our very first SPLAT Team Mission, and thanks to Chief of SPLAT Doodlebug, we were destined for an uncharted desert island in the Pacific, southeast of Hawaii; east of the Marshall Islands. Basically, way out in the middle of nowhere.
Each Team Leader was responsible for getting his/her team to the Island with all the necessary supplies and equipment.
Air Team Leader, Maggie May, instructed her troops to get their little feathered butts to Vandenberg AFB, and after a short layover in California, sneak into her Daddy’s luggage for a flight to Hawaii, (Air Team members fervently hoped that “Daddy” packed CLEAN socks!). Troops, equipment and supplies were then loaded aboard M4C4W5, C4G5, and 4M42ON5 cargo carriers to the destination point.
Sea Team Leader, Brockley commissioned a 110 ft. luxury yacht named “The Conquest” to ferry his troops to the destination island in style…complete with pool and poop deck designed especially for traveling birdies. “The Conquest” was decked out with all the necessary supplies: Fuel, (lentil soup, refried beans, and onions), as well as Culinary Utensils, (spatulas, clothespins, and wooden forks for chewing), and the Canadarm for unloading equipment directly from sea to the island.
Land Team Leader, Pepi, gathered his troops across country by tiny horse and tiny carriage to the rendezvous point of Santa Barbara, where much of the Land Team boarded “The Conquest” to hitch a ride.
Team Leader Pepi recommended all troops pack lightly, with the exception of his Speedos.
Once on the island, a special ceremony was held to commemorate dearly departed Commandos and loved ones that included a Special Forces Fly-by team gathered just for this occasion.
Despite Commander Doodlebug’s insistence that we locate certain items on the island, the spirit of the holidays, and the warm, tropical breezes saw most birdies enjoying themselves on the beach or in the jungle. Snorkeling, sumptuous banquets, and general hanky panky were the order of the day…beach patrol was extremely popular. Once or twice we chased away some interfering Hoomans, but for the most part, we claimed the island for ourselves, and ENJOYED it! Parrotlet Privilege I say!
Prez. Kinney
Oh City of Sin, your lights now grow dim, For we have invaded, and left in our wake, No casino unturned, no Elvis a fake. Kenny, Dolly, Celine’ are all gone, Their noses were bitten, right in mid-song.
Volcano did spew, for it’s last time with poo, And we have released, every Chip, every Dale, The Excaliber is now up for sale!
Your streets are awash with sewage and slosh, Your dam has been breached, Wayne Newton impeached, And just in case you thought better of it, We already stole
the last Golden Nugget.
Penn & Teller were seen, but disappeared, “All You Can Eat” buffets have been cleared. In case you expected there’d be a big Hoo-Hah, We shipped all tourists to the dry State of Utah!
Your space satellites have now all been bunkered, And just in case you had any doubt, We came, We saw, and oh yes, WE CONQUERED!
Viva Las Vegas!
Prez. Kinney
Acting on a cry for help from our Scottish counterparts, the commandos shipped out for their first overseas mission.
I am happy to announce that our haunting trip to Scotland's Hermitage Castle was a ghostly success! Not only did the commandos rid Hermitage Castle of all the hooman ghosties, we met many new McParrotlet friends who were most impressed with our techniques.
In facing down the ghosts, the commandobirdies rose to the challenge, valiantly wielding paint, vacuums, leaf blowers and other fierce weapons to take back the castle for their friends and cousins.
Great job, commandos! I am proud of each of you! I particularly commend those who rescued Luke and Sally Sue from the clutches of spectral bird-nappers and recommend promotions for recruits Ducky Do, Gumdrop and Quazar for their outstanding bravery. Special mention goes to Peabody who was there in "spirit" (!)
(The particulars of the celebratory party will remain classified.)
Marshal Pepi, Veep.
Our Mission to the World Species Conference at the United Nations, BA, (Big Apple), started with a rousing, ceremonial debute co-ordinated by Captain Maggie May and the Air Team. Red carpet, singing Budgies, fly-by Cockatiels, and the all important Media representatives were all there to greet us with much pomp and circumstance as befitting our delegation.
While in New York, and thanks to the Land Team, we stayed at the luxurious Crown Hotel...just waddling distance to the UN. The Crown's room service staff were somewhat dismayed by the frequent beak-grabbing of food bowls being served or being taken, but a truce in the form of a doggie door soon rectified the situation. Cleaning staff did remember to keep the toilet lid down.
Dining out was the responsibility of our Sea Team, who treated us to such culinary delights as Tibetan cuisine, Mickey D's, some grouchy
guy's Turkish resturant, and the definitive experience of palate...Maxime's.
Over the course of the next week, we attended the World Species Conference in the hopes of presenting our data regarding the
Stoopidity of Hoomans, and of course, plugging our own bid to rule the world! All creatures Great and Small were lobbied by highly motivated Commandos...and even one or two mythical creatures received the shpiel. And just to make sure New York knew the Commandos were in town...THE WORLD'S BIGGEST BOING made its appearance as a spectacle of Parrotlet Awesomeness and Ingenuity.
Two days of R & R followed...chewing holes in the most expensive clothing stores, taking in a play and an opera, buying trinkets and souveniers. A successful and diplomatic mission accomplished! But we're broke now... New York is one expensive town! Please send your cash or credit card, (Jewelry is fine too...but NO Zircon Puleez) to:
Commandobirdies
123 There's One
Near You, PS
WORLD!
I salute you, commandos!!
Prez. Kinney
From February 10th through February 26th, the Commandos participated for the first time in the Winter Olympic Games! Unfortunately, because "Forpus Land" is not yet considered a bonafide country, it looked like the commandos would make the trip for naught.
Acting on an advance tip from Prezident Kinney, the Commandos first overtook the Finnish Olympic athletes, stashing them in out of the way places and otherwise occupying their time so they were unable to compete in person. Armed (and shod) with the Finn's equipment and colors, the Commando Birdies arrived in Torino in time for the opening ceremonies where Popcorn the Egg rolled out the Finnish flag.
Competition was fierce as the Commandos competed in twenty-four events ranging from ice dancing to freestyle moguls. There were tense moments, particularly as the Commando hockey and curling teams vied for the gold. But alas, both teams settled for silver - no shame at all in their first Olympic competitions!
Between competitions the Commandos enjoyed sumptuous repasts prepared by Olympic Commando Chefs that included pizza (with noodles!), snow crab fritters and hot pepper chutney.
Kudos to the equipment team for keeping all blades sharp and the curling rocks spit shined (a most difficult task for spit-lacking parrotlets!).
At the conclusion of all events, the Commandos (in Finnish disguise) waddled away with Olympic Silver in Ski Jumping (individual and team!), Freestyle Skiing, Alpine Skiing, Curling and Ice Hockey and Olympic Bronze in Snowboard, Cross Country Skiing and Nordic Combined.
To our Commando Olympians, to the Commando Chefs, Equipment Team and Flagbearer:
Congratulations for jobs well done!
To the hooman athletes of the world:
Watch out for the Commando Birdies! They're gearing up NOW for the next summer games!
(See Our Athletes In Competition Here!)
Colonel Doodlebug, Chief of SPLAT
The brave commandos took on da World ob Disney in Florida. Wees took on da dragons, sent Pooh off into space, stole all da hoomans' toopees ans Ise tinks wees all hab a castle full of Mickey ears.
The commandos had a great time and leading the charge were:
Emril, who was always there ans ready for anyting;
PeeWee, who had to fly around wiff an umbrelly;
Missy, who was always tryin her inbisability den couldn't finds herself; and
Sunny, who kept ebrybirdie fed (includin himself), protected hims lady, slayed dragons ans took da lead on Dumbo's ears.
The grand finale was stormin the Princess's Castle ans stealin hers crown for our own Princess Mickey's hatchday. Altho wees didn't scare all da hoomans away, deys will always be scratchin der heads and wonderin, "Was dat a bird, a plane or a Commando Birdie?"!
Good job, Commandos!!
Brigadier Marshal Pepi, Veep
On May 15th we received an urgent message from a flock of wild parrotlets being held captive against their will, in the hold of a pirate ship in the Caribbean.
The Commandobirdies went into action and nothing could stop them as they boarded the Conquest. From the youngest recruit to the highest ranking officer they used extraordinary measures and weapons. From socks to super glue, squirt guns of rum and even a speedo, the commandos fought valiantly!
A horrendous storm did not stop them from their duties (well, except for D. Bug who was stuck up on the mast with a pair of Speedos holding him hostage). They conquered the pirates and freed the wild parrotlets, who said they would send crates of millet as a thank you.
A special mention goes to Quazar who went beyond the call of duty to get our baby recruit, Rosebud, home to meet his hoomans and then returned to make a dangerous and springy landing. The after-party on our island was a roaring success. Good job, mates!
Brigadier Marshal Pepi, Veep
The Voyage Of The Spaceship Commandonaught:
To Boldly Go Where No Parrotlet Has Gone Before!
On August 28th the Spaceship Commandonaught, cleverly hidden at Cape Canaveral, blasted off for Mars following a ten-second countdown. (Lunch was promptly served one hour later following another ten-second countdown.) The Commandos were off, racing the 150 million miles to Mars before the hoomans could declare IT a non-planet!
The Commandos were in perfect form, having rigorously trained the week before at Cedar Point Amusement Park in Ohio, where corn-dogs and sno-cones were shunned in favor of the roller coasters. It was all about G-force!
On board the space craft, stowing the commandos' regularly issued equipment proved to be a task much easier than making way for assorted sleepy huts, Dilly's eggs, Pepi's Speedos and Brockley's fuzzy balls, but without TOO much confusion the Commandos settled in for the long, two-day journey. (Hey, that spaceship designed by Land Admiral Pepi was FAST folks!)
Landing was made on August 30th where Prezident Kinney became the first parrotlet to set talons on Mars! Following a commando Flag Planting Ceremony, paint brushes and sprayers were the first order of the day (as everyone knows the color red is the leading cause of that particular phenomenon known as the Long-And-Skinny). The Commandos then broke out the MTV's (Mars Transportation Vehicles) designed by the Pickles and rode rampant through craters and over volcanoes, slipping and sliding over vast sheets of ice and steering well clear of the Valles Marineris and Hellas Basin (since they all DID plan on returning home again).
Exploration, partying (Corporal Missy's first Hatchday!) and generally messing with the hoomans' Mars Rovers continued to September 2nd when the Commandos returned to their ship for the flight home. Tired, paint stained and more than a bit dusty, the Commandos looked forward to again being on their native ground, even as the echo of Prezident Kinney's Flag Planting speech echoed in their minds:
"We claim this planet, Mars, in the name of parrotletdom,
and in the name of Commandos past and present.
We promise to care for our planet even though it be dusty,
and not ruin it by stealing stuff from it and not putting stuff back.
We promise to paint it with non-toxic paint and make it look nice,
to keep it tidy, and not cover it with poop or chew holes in the atmosphere.
It is OUR planet now, as someday the Earth will be.
I place these official flags right here to remain forever as symbols of
our ruling wisdom, as symbols of flock work and perseverance,
as symbols of bravery, as remembrances of those lost on Earth
to us but who will always be with us here,
and as symbols of our dominance over mankind....
Because WE GOT HERE FIRST!!!! Na Na Na Na Na Na!!"
(See Our Space Vehicles and Flags Here!)
General Doodlebug, Chief of SPLAT
On October 13, 2006, the Commandos set off to find the Lost City of Atlantis. The troops boarded the Conquest with their gear, cameras, food and an overabundance of bikinis to take them to the submarine. Once they boarded the sub the excitement built as they dove deeper and deeper. The crew enjoyed taking turns in the little subs to explore their surroundings and take pictures. They even had a hatchday party for Quazar (which is top secret)!
Shortly after the party, disaster stuck. The sub had sprung a leak! As the Commandos banded together to fix the problem, what to their wonderous eyes did they see but a school of dolphins pushing their sub to a deserted island!
The spotters and divers went to work. Could it be? YES! It was the lost city! They had FOUND IT!!!! The Commandos once again beat the hoomans and have the pictures to prove it! What started out with a crew of a number of babies with curfews, eating, coloring books, eating, lullabies and eating, ended with a crew of very brave Commandos!
Congratulations go to all the brave Commandos for yet another job will done!
(See Photos of Our Expedition Here!)
Land Admiral Pepi, Veep
On March 21st the troops reported for duty at Half Pints and Tory's house.' The Mission..... to free all the exotic birds from Parrot Mountain in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.
The mode of transportation was jeeps camouflaged with birds painted on them. Half Pint reserved us a space at Cades Cove to camp in. After we unloaded all our gear we decided to eat our dinner, snuggle in our sleeping bags ans sleepy tents, then get an early start in the morning.
Bright ans early the next morning, even tho some weren't too bright yet, wees were on our way. Loaded down with paper birds of different colors to put in the empty cages, stink bombs, cutters, binoculars ans walkie squawkies, we headed out. When wees got there wees let da stink bombs off ans scared all da hoomans away, coughin ans gaggin. We then went to work to let all the birds out.
We encountered a few problems along the way, like a jeep getting stuck in the mud, a shopkeeper, with some broken merchandise, trying to catch a couple of mischievious Commando's, who of course we had to rescue, again.
All in all the mission was a success, even tho the wild birds enjoyed their freedom for several days they wanted to return to their homes, as they were treated very well there and were happy.
To end it all we had a big Hatchday for Clausen, who has a weakness for rum and so the rest will remain classified.
Job Well Done Commandos!
Land Admiral Pepi, Veep
On June 25, 2007 the Commando Birdies landed in London, England to take ober da tennis championship at Wimbledon. After consuming 5 bottles of rums on da wall, wees was ready to go.
On da first day wees managed to cut strings on tennis rackets, put gum on da bottom of tennis shoes, planted poison oak near da big T.V, poop on da white shirts, put itchy powder in shorts, put super glue on der balls, ans left some ob yelkcorBs fuzzy balls for tennis balls. Da Strawberry juice was flowen fast, ans Mys Mickey (XXXX) was dere to catch it all.
Wes took a ride on da biggest boing, made by Pipsqueak, rode da double decker bus, ans toured da Queens Castle. Ans da bestest part is da KaBand O'Birdies band got to play for da princes wiff a rave review.
Good job, Commandos!
Land Admiral Pepi, Veep
On December 3, 2007 the Commando's embarked on a very important mission. Dat mission: To travel around the world and pick up all da birdies dat lived in rescue centers, bring dem to da Norf Pole ans show dem a fun time with Santa Claus.
The Air, Land ans Sea Teams worked together around da clock to pick dems up. Onced we arrived Santa gave us a big red building to stay in ans our berry own personal chef. After tryin to get da birdies to take a baff, with an overwhelming "NO!", we were on our way to see Santa.
Da big doors opened on da big castle ans WOW!, dere sat Santa in all hims bunnyae fur. Da birdies stood dere wiff dere eyes aglow, den dey lined up to tell Santa what dey wanted for Christmas.
Da next few days the birdies went sledding, had a snowball fight, went on a sleigh ride wiff Roodolf and toured da tiny village, ans got to make one toy ans one decoration.
Alas it was time to go home. Santa had a big party ans made a happy announcement. Hims had found homes
for all da rescue birdies. So da mission was a great success. Ans as wees was leavin Santa hollered "MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT".
Great job Commando's!
Corporal Bink, aka Gunner
THE BRONZE: "WE TRAINED..."
Over Fifty Commandos, athletes and coaches alike,
attended the Commando Jock Institute of Training to a volley of sweat, tears, hollering,
and much complaining, to learn the technicalities of Summer Olympic Sporting events.
Everything from Equestrian to Wrestling, Fencing to Table Tennis was fair game,
(not to mention Beach Volleyball and an unlikely group of Syncronized Swimmers),
and nothing was left to chance...the Commandos wanted to WIN!
An original idea had been chosen by the Troops to pose as athletes and coaches
from the Island nation of Mauritius...
displacing the Hooman team with our own in discreet parrotlet fashion...
and infiltrate the Olympics of 2008.
This is what we trained for...but it was not to be....
THE SILVER: "WE COMPETED..."
Plans to distract the population of Mauritius were thrown out at the last moment
due to unforseen circumstances, (that being that half the Mauritius Olympic Team...
two out of four athletes... were banned for being dopes).
A hurried attempt was made to find another suitable Island nation
that fit the Commando criteria at the last moment.
Madagascar was chosen by our illustrious leader
because she likes the theme song from the movie.
So, as Madagascar, the Commandos headed off to Beijing
worried about competing,
worried about air quality,
worried about dodging sized 10 and up athletic footware.
But once the games began, the competition proved to be not to many Commando tastes,
and the troops soured on the lack of Olympic sportsmanship.
And to be honest, no bird thought there was a hope in millet
of Madagascar winning a medal of any colour.
So, in not so discreet parrotlet fashion, the Mission was altered once again....
THE GOLD: "WE CONQUERED..."
Throwing aside all rules of conduct and fair play,
the Commandos decided that mischief and mayhem were indeed the games in which to succeed.
In decidedly bombastic parrotlet fashion, the troops pulled together to create as much havoc
as more than fifty four inch birds can make... and that's quite a bit.
The I.O.C. will never be the same.
Nor will Beijing forget that for 14 days Parrotlets RULED!
(See Our Athletes In Competition Here!)
Prez. Kinney
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